An open letter to my unborn nephew

*This post is intended to be humorous. I’m beyond excited for the birth of my nephew. I just want to get him here happy and healthy and for my sister to have a healthy birthing experience. But I’m his aunt, and I’m impatiently looking forward to both  spoiling him, and then locking him away so no girl can touch him, ever.”

Dear nephew (your mom won’t tell me your name),

We are only a couple of weeks away from your due date. I understand you are really comfortable, and have no intention of coming out very soon. I don’t blame you, it’s warm in there, you have all you can eat. But for your mother’s sake, don’t make her wait to much longer. We are a short family (sorry, hope you got the tall genes) and your mom is about to fall over if you get any bigger.

We are planners in this family, so, in order to help you better plan your due date, here are some convenient dates to make your first appearance in the world:

May 8 – What better day to come than Mother’s Day! I bet that’s what you are waiting for. . .

May 14 – Your mom won’t have to get me a birthday present. Save her a few dimes. I don’t mind sharing my birthday with my nephew. Also, it’ll be your great grandparent’s anniversary, so pretty cool day if I do say so.

Anytime next week, except the hours for 6:30 to 7:30 – Your aunt is participating in something called “fitness boot camp” and unfortunately, I don’t have my cell phone. If I missed your arrival, I (and your mother) would never forgive myself.

Now, what to expect when you get here? Well, here is some sound advice from your wise, but totally cool aunt:

1) We are a loud family. But we are good sleepers. So the sooner you realize you can sleep through loud noises, the better.

2) If you call your grandmother mumsy, I’ll give you $100* on your birthday, forever. *once you can start speaking

3) Your parents are going to take you to an event called Dragon*Con. You’ll probably love it at first, and then go through teenage years where you are embarrassed by your parents, and then you’ll love it again. Don’t give them a hard time. You’ll be dressed up as a wooky as a baby, and weird creatured with fur and pointy ears will coo over you. Don’t be afraid. And learn all the lyrics to the Buffy Horror Picture Show. Just go with it.

4) Speaking of Buffy, your uncle Dallas and I will make sure you watch the whole series. And then when you are older, we’ll make you watch all of The Wire.  Again, just go with it.

5) Please, learn how to play baseball and golf for your grandfather’s sake. He’s been waiting 35 years for an athletic boy to join this family. It will make him so proud. And you’ll get to go to the driving range with him, that’s awesome. Also, learn to drive stick shift, there might be a porche in your future if you do.

6) Come visit your Aunt and Uncle. We’ll watch you when your parents go on vacation, and we’ll spoil you with candy and fluffy pets. Uncle Dallas will teach you about music and comics. I’ll feed you, because that’s what a good Jewish aunt does.  You can run away to our house when you get mad at your parents, but just know that I’ll be calling your mother to let her know you are safe.

I’m sure I’ll have more wisdom to impart, but until then, I can’t wait for you to get here!


Aunt Rachel


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